How to Write a Grieving Character

Writing a relatable, grieving character is certainly a challenge. Describing loss and grief requires the author to take on that emotion themselves and consider the ways in which their character would react in this state.

I think grief is considered too challenging because you have to in some capacity draw on your own experiences, which can be painful. Our mind likes to favor the happiest memories over the ones that caused us pain. But in drawing on our own challenging experiences, we can bring healing and empathy to the readers of our stories.

Writing grief is important because it brings a human quality to your story, making your characters more relatable.

1. Understand the stages of grief

Grief is a human reaction to a major loss. When your character has lost an integral part of who they are or a person that contributed to their sense of identity, grief is the result.

Psychologist John Bowlby notes that grief happens when we lose someone we love because of the “psychological connectedness between human beings.” While we're all familiar with the stages of grief, Bowlby proposed The Four Stages of Grief to more accurately capture our reaction to grief as it occurs.

Shock and Numbness. When we first learn of the loss, we go into shock and numb our emotions. We prevent ourselves from feeling because the loss was too much for us to comprehend.
Yearning and Searching. In this stage, we begin to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. The person may swing from sadness to anger, anxiety to confusion. We long for what is gone to fill the emptiness we feel inside.
Disorganization and Despair. The reality of the loss sets in and we begin to accept it. We usually feel apathy, anger, despair, and hopelessness. The person wishes to disengage from life and withdraw to process what they lost. This can encompass depression symptoms where we don't find joy in what we used to enjoy.
Reorganization and Recovery. Finally, we come to a "new normal" where we are a changed person because of the grief. A transformation has taken place and whether we see it or not, we are now stronger than before. Despair diminishes and positive memories of the past surface. We understand the past in a new light.

These stages of grief above can form part of your character's arc. In The Hero's Journey plot structure, this would be the "death and rebirth" stage. See how your character's grief changes them for the better.

2. Make the grief part of the plot

Just because your character is grieving, it doesn't mean that the world stops. After all, when you go through grief in life, the world doesn't stop. You still have to go to work, eat dinner, or deal with family. Grief in fiction should be the same.

In other words, the character's grieving process must in some way drive the plot forward. Make it relevant to their character development, don't just add it in for shock value.

For instance, perhaps your character is required to show up in a certain way, but they are unable to. A mother who is in the depths of despair and depression may be unable to adequately care for her children. Or a workaholic may feel unenthused about their job. Subverting your character's normal reaction to a situation shows their character development.

Remember, you don't have to be writing a death scene in order for your character to experience grief. The loss of a loved one isn't the only way a character can experience the pain of loss.

When a character faces adversity and makes mistakes, they are actually being shown a new way forward and healing from the past trauma. Just like in life, the hardest times shape us and remind us about what is truly important.

3. Pinpoint your character's unique reaction

When considering how grief fits into your overall plot, it's important to consider how your character will react to grieving. For instance, when your character is in the "shock and numbness" stage, do they withdraw from the world or do they throw themselves into tasks? What bad habits do they use to cope? Do they lash out or bottle up their emotions?

You can also bring in other side characters and play off that dynamic. Does your protagonist allow other characters to care for them? Or do they stubbornly refuse help and forge ahead alone?

Also, consider their reaction based on the society they are in. A grieving man or woman will react differently given the societal expectations.

Showing a character's unique reaction to loss allows us to empathize and understand even more about them. After all, we learn the most about people when they're put under pressure.

4. Draw from your own grief

How do you describe grief? Pull from your own experiences, of course. Everyone experienced loss in their lives. Even if you think it wasn't as big a loss as your character is facing, you can still use that same core emotion to write.

I wrote about my character's expression of grief from losing a loved one when I was going through my own painful breakup. Even though the situations were different, I channeled that grief into my story to give my character depth.

Empathy is important in our relationships in life, and similarly having empathy for your character is also important to capture their pain accurately. You must put yourself in the shoes of someone that's grieving in order to accurately describe their loss.

5. Remember the rebirth

Writing about grief or a depressed character can leave a sour taste in the reader's mouth. We don't like reading about difficulties or trauma but our mind actually loves what comes after; closure.

Allowing your reader to witness your character finding closure after grief is probably the most satisfying character arc to read. That's because we all struggle to accept life as it is. The Buddha reminds us that we must face our grief and accept life as it is, in order to experience a rebirth.

When the mind does not find a clear, firm end to a situation, it continues to ruminate about it over and over. However, when closure is attained, there is a sense of relief. The mind can now let go of the trauma and true healing can be realized.

Grieving as a character arc can be tricky to pull off, but when done with sensitivity, you are able to create a relatable character that your audience will admire.

Why I chose to write about grief

I think it's so important to write about grief. Not because it's entertaining or makes your reader care more, but because through writing about grief and coming up with a resolution, it can help the reader to find closure in their own life.

When your character experiences a true rebirth, they are stronger than when they went into the experience of grief, and are now forever changed. Perhaps they carry scars, but their spirit is ennobled.

Through this example, the reader is able to see themselves in the story, they also begin to heal, even if it's subconsciously. In psychology, this concept is called rewriting your internal script or story, a technique commonly used in therapy.

A novel that finds a resolution to grief empowers us all to find closure in our own lives. That neuropath becomes stronger, showing ourselves that even in the darkest times, we can still come out of it, triumphant.